it's been a long time. i don't know if I'm good to write anymore. it doesn't feel as fluent and easy off the keyboard as it used to.
i'm getting older and i've started feeling more honest about myself and my life.
it is late and i should be asleep. mondays are constant reminders that god exists.
it's late and my folks are asleep, i think, and i have in front of me, arrayed in the backlight of my monitor, in an otherwise dark room, i have three things in front of me - an empty glass of whiskey, a plastic jar with a bottle of blue ink inside it and a tube of moisturizing cream. i'm getting old and the dry winter dust now smarts and leaves my skin dry and painful. old parched skin hanging off a scaffold of withering flesh and creaky bone. that's what the cream's for.
the bottle of blue ink is another attempt to do something out of passion. so when it's so easy to buy ball pens or gel pens, i mess my hands with ink every now and then, and then scratch paper with the ink until it's time to fill up again. it reminds me when i was younger and did things with the gusto of unaware youthfulness.
i do that all the time - pick up new passions. if you feel hollow inside you keep picking up things that convince you that still feel. it's ersatz love. so you get a new hairdo. you watch French movies. and at night you nurse your glass of whiskey - not one too many. you want to savour the pleasure of empty bleak pain, the bleakness of impending death, the pain of continuing life.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
The other day, after a tiring day in office I was reading a book on popular mathematics called Symmetry. At the same time, the TV was on and my daughter was watching Chak de India. Symmetry is an exploration into the mathematics of art and geometry and describes the role that symmetry plays in making sense of these rather diverse sensate areas of human experience. The movie on the other hand, is a sentimental play on nationalism, the competitive drive of sports, and experiences of a leader. Both absorbing in their own ways but appeal to different areas of the brain.
This experience, common-place and very domestic, brought to me a flash of the intellectual dilemma I have faced since I was in school. In school I was fairly good in mathematical subjects. Fairly good - not exceptional. I was always clear I had no outstanding talent in these subjects but I was not a laggard either. On the other hand, I loved the liberal arts. I remember that Shakespeare could transport me into rhapsodies of rapture - I was almost jealous of the old master.
These were the 1970's when jobs were scarce in general. If you wanted to assure yourself of a job you needed a specialized education in engineering or medicine. Education in liberal arts was just a way to spend time while looking for a job as an administrator or a bank officer.
My first instinctive inclination was to get into the medical stream. That would assure that I could continue to maintain a strong connection to people, so my yearning for the softer aspects of life may be satisfied while I would continue to have some semblance of job security. Over my high school days, I realized that biology required too much application of memory. There were inadequate abstractions, so you basically had to memorize things. This put me off, so in my final high school year I dumped medicine and devoted myself to mathematics and physics.
At the end I got into engineering where after the painful process of entrance exams and selections I got into an engineering college. I started studying metals and material engineering. However, I realized again that this area also suffered from the same lack of abstractions which made medical studies so unattractive to me.
So after some maneuvering I got into this new industry called software engineering, which had the underpinnings of mathematics, was highly logical and abstract, and generally provided a high sense of job security. All seemed well, until it dawned upon me, that I had lost my connection to the liberal arts. I compensated for that, like many of my college mates by reading fiction and poetry. And life progressed.
A lot time has passed since then. I have entered middle age and I have more financial security than I had anticipated when I started working. So it seem time to look at other aspects of life and see whether there's still some urge left in me to pursue these other aspirations that I've always had. I am increasingly convinced that meeting personal intellectual aspirations is the key to happiness. All you have to risk is the uncertainly associated with changing course in life.
This experience, common-place and very domestic, brought to me a flash of the intellectual dilemma I have faced since I was in school. In school I was fairly good in mathematical subjects. Fairly good - not exceptional. I was always clear I had no outstanding talent in these subjects but I was not a laggard either. On the other hand, I loved the liberal arts. I remember that Shakespeare could transport me into rhapsodies of rapture - I was almost jealous of the old master.
These were the 1970's when jobs were scarce in general. If you wanted to assure yourself of a job you needed a specialized education in engineering or medicine. Education in liberal arts was just a way to spend time while looking for a job as an administrator or a bank officer.
My first instinctive inclination was to get into the medical stream. That would assure that I could continue to maintain a strong connection to people, so my yearning for the softer aspects of life may be satisfied while I would continue to have some semblance of job security. Over my high school days, I realized that biology required too much application of memory. There were inadequate abstractions, so you basically had to memorize things. This put me off, so in my final high school year I dumped medicine and devoted myself to mathematics and physics.
At the end I got into engineering where after the painful process of entrance exams and selections I got into an engineering college. I started studying metals and material engineering. However, I realized again that this area also suffered from the same lack of abstractions which made medical studies so unattractive to me.
So after some maneuvering I got into this new industry called software engineering, which had the underpinnings of mathematics, was highly logical and abstract, and generally provided a high sense of job security. All seemed well, until it dawned upon me, that I had lost my connection to the liberal arts. I compensated for that, like many of my college mates by reading fiction and poetry. And life progressed.
A lot time has passed since then. I have entered middle age and I have more financial security than I had anticipated when I started working. So it seem time to look at other aspects of life and see whether there's still some urge left in me to pursue these other aspirations that I've always had. I am increasingly convinced that meeting personal intellectual aspirations is the key to happiness. All you have to risk is the uncertainly associated with changing course in life.
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